All those who still work at AOL, step forward. Not so fast...

AOL is having some trouble keeping itself together. I think we all saw the signs. For instance, when was the last time you got a tin of AOL cd's in the mail? Exactly.

I think that being the last to realize that mailing Internet capability was not exactly the hallmark of a successful Internet company might have directly lead to their most recent, massive round of layoffs this past Monday.

My friend has worked over there for about three years. When he started, AOL had, by his estimation, somewhere between 15,000 and 18,000 employees worldwide. Three rounds of layoffs later, they are down to 8,000. I can't imagine a company letting go of 2,000 people and having that be the third largest layoff in three years. I also can't imagine the incredible amount of ass-kissing that goes on in an organization where thousands of people lose their jobs every year.

The ironic thing is that I think that the dearly departed were actually the big winners here. According to my friend, their severance package will consist of 4 months salary, plus unused vacation days, plus unpaid bonuses, plus assistance finding a new job. Redundant executives will do even better. They can pull in anywhere from 6 months to a year of salary while sipping margaritas on a beach in the Dominican Republic. The part about the DR and the margaritas is actually in their contracts. I think.

Former AOL exec mulls career move

Meanwhile, there is a transition team of laid off employees who will be paid twice their salary for the privilege of continuing to work for AOL until the end of the year. After that, the regular severance package kicks in.

And the losers? I guess that would be the loyal AOL employees who avoided judgement day only to take on 25% more work. Also the Starbucks on the corner. Economic data shows that a layoff of this size will reduce latte sales by over 35,000 a year. That says nothing for frappucinos.

A recap:

Redundant AOL workers: Free money for doing nothing. Paid vacation for 4 months or so, frosty beverages in near future.

Remaining Staff: More work, slight pay increase, organizational morale similar to that of German army as American and Russian troops raced to liberate Berlin in final days of WWII, crazy tie Thursdays (new initiative).

I wish someone would fire me so nicely.